First Day Back!

I'm not sure how it is for others but usually my first day back from vacation is kind of rough.  There is so much to catch up on.  Emails to respond to, calls to return and a pile of work to wade through.  Vacation for me is usually a week or two at a time.  Imagine what's waiting after 6 weeks!  The truth is, returning to the office today was wonderful.  I feel lighter, younger, focused and most importantly...free.  I was able to release so much of the weight I have been carrying and properly embrace the high level of loss I have experienced.  The staff I get to serve with is remarkable.  They are so encouraging.  I am holding tightly to Paul's words to the Philippian church, "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."  Never, never ever think for a moment that God will forget about you or stop short in getting you to where He wants you to be.

Time To Run!

Last night of a tremendous 6 week break.  Easily some of the greatest, challenging, stretching and healing experiences I have yet to live.  Never imagined that while my 60th birthday looms out ahead of me I would be immersed in such rigorous interactions with my Lord.  I am deeply touched that so many of you followed along with me on this blog and supported me in prayer.  I felt each and every one.  My intention was to close out this blog at the conclusion of my sabbatical but I may keep it open as an ongoing journal simply because it's going to take some time for me to unpack and absorb all the things He has helped me through. 

Thanks again to all the saints at Grace Church for giving me this gift and for covering my responsibilities while I was away.    

Many New Friends!

Congrats to the people of Christ Church of West County!  I had the privilege of worshiping with them this morning at their first service held in a local middle school.  Enjoyed talking with some of the core team after the service.  During my time off I have been able to visit several local churches around the area.  Though the faces are different and the expression of worship vary, there is an undeniable bond and common vision that flows from the Spirit who directs all who yield to Him.  The church is unlike anything else on Earth. 

And In The End...

I haven't worn a watch in nearly 6 weeks.  I haven't received a single phone call or email  other than from my family and I haven't had one scheduled event.  This was all be design, crafted by some folks who really care about me.  I have been trying to formulate some kind of closing review for this experience and just don't seem to have it all sorted out yet.  I do know this.  I was months maybe days away from blowing apart and would have done so without this break.  God knew it, He made others aware and here we are.  There is still so much to walk through but I know that I know I have been restored.  God is a finisher.  He completes what He starts.  I praise His name.

The Personal Savior

Above all else, the thing that keeps pumping through my heart is how precisely personal God has been to me over the past 5+ weeks.  I have always marveled how keenly Jesus would notice the "person" over the crowds.  A short man gazing from a tree gets to share  a meal with God, a reclusive sick woman gets His full attention when she touches his clothes and her illness evaporates, a man loaded with demons is restored, a respected religious leader gets a one on one audience with His creator...etc.  Day after day, God has been doing things for me that have brought me to tears.  Personal things that only He could have known I needed.  It has humbled me so deeply that I have had a hard time trying to explain it even to Annie.  I am exceedingly blessed.  These words penned by David have never held the level of intimacy they do now.

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.  Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,  your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Questions???

Christian life is both a destination and a journey. The destination is God, and if you are a believer in Jesus, you have already arrived at the destination. The journey is the unpacking of all that you received at the moment your life with God began.  Eph 1:3

Part of my evolving journey has to do with how I interact with God.  When hard things happen,  it's easy to ask God, “Why me?”  The problem with this question is that it keeps the focus on ME.  You can become a victim of other peoples’ actions, circumstances beyond your control, fate, or whatever. Still in the middle of some of the same circumstances that had not gotten better or changed, my question became, “God, what are You doing in allowing this in my life?” I believe that what God does not prevent, He does permit. God could stop any particular event or circumstance in my life at any time. If I am in the middle of something right now, apparently He has chosen not to prevent it. God, what are You doing in allowing this in my life? It felt like a valid question to ask, but in time I realized that with that question, deep down in my heart I was blaming God. And I was angry with Him for not making things better. My focus was still on me and my sorrow.

I do believe in God’s unconditional love. I have come to understand that everything God allowed in my life was out of His love for me. In the painful times this does not make sense to my rational mind, and that is when faith urges me to choose to believe. So, recently I have been asking God, “Would you reveal Your love to me in the middle of this?” In the moment, it changes my focus from me and my circumstance to God and His love. Everyday the unpacking of what He has given me soaked in His love is the journey of bending my skeptical bruised heart toward the reality of His love.  I press on.

House guests!

What an awesome night.  Our dinner guests, both in their 80's, treated us to family stories loaded with things I had never heard.  These two could have their own stand-up show and kill people with their impeccable timing and delivery.  These are the true treasures God had placed in our lives.  Treasures will never be contained in wood, gems or metal, they are the people we love and are loved by.  When you get beat up by tragic loss, you tend to withdraw from these treasures because you can't bear the thought of them being taken away.  The withdrawal is deadly because you stop living, engaging, laughing, saying what's on your heart, embracing, appreciating...etc.

Thank you Lord God for the many many treasures in my life.  

Thoughts From The Past Two Days!

Words.  They can contain so much potential for life, support and encouragement or they can bring damage, embarrassment or disgrace to an others soul. Thank you to those who sent a card or left a message over these past 5 weeks.  Aaron, the guy who leads our staff sent such a helpful note yesterday.  I think of Aaron often because I've watched him come up through our children's ministry, youth ministry and now he plays a key role on our staff.  My opinion, that's exactly how it should be in church life.  People are built up in faith and their gifts and purpose are unlocked as we experience life together.

Great time of worship this morning with the folks at Elevate Church.  The service was built around the theme of boldness.  The take-away point for me was: Boldness is a behavior born out of belief.  They spoke about Peter and his ever growing boldness centered on belief in Jesus.  Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus. Acts 4:13

Each day I have been on this respite has been an ongoing mix of incredible advancement and brutal set-backs.  That's what happens in the early period of walking away from one thing and moving toward another.  There is a bit of tug-of-war and you're the rope. 

A Good Day

So much change so quickly.  Change that may only make sense to me for now.  The last five weeks have certainly had times of rest and refreshment but there has been a great deal of work processing all that has happened and the new skills I've acquired to keep a healthy pace ahead of the past.  Invested myself in the grand-kids today.  Hours in the pool and man am I burnt.  I love those guys so much.

I have rediscovered worship and all that happens to the human soul when it's brought before mighty God even in the worst of situations.  One night in early June, I was succumbing to sorrow and having a very tough time breaking through it.  I found these words in one of my readings.  They describe the setting and circumstances Paul and Silas found themselves when the broke into worship at midnight in a Roman jail.

A Roman prison was a place of nearly instant mental illness; it only took a few nights in this fetid, black place to lose one's mind. Set down in the belly of the earth, it was a place that reeked of urine and vomit. Prisoners received only one meal per day that consisted of moldy bread and tepid, dirty water that had already been used for other, unmentionable things. Each time a guard would bring food, he would make sure to kick the prisoner in a place that it would do the most damage and bring the most pain. Roman prisoners would sit in their own excrement day after endless day. And then there were the varmints and insects that continually crawled over the body of a prisoner.

At about midnight, when most people give up in despair and sink into depression, Paul and Silas found joy! They discovered it in the putrid smell of prison and in the dank and damp of hopelessness. They discovered joy with their feet bound in purposeless and in the sewage of their own existence.  Paul and Silas chose to worship Jesus at the very worst moment of their life. Paul and Silas found joy! Now ... what's your excuse?!  As Christians, we have a responsibility ... yes ... a divine duty even ... to meet the very worst that life offers with a joy that is defiant!  When you choose to break out into unrestrained worship at the midnight hour of your life, watch out! Heaven may begin to rock the foundations of your life in order to set you free from the circumstances that bind you.

I remember diving into worship that evening in spite of all that I was feeling.  It was such a great moment and the momentum of that night continues to push me forward with praise and thanksgiving.  

Independance Day!

On July 4, 1776, we claimed our independence from Britain and Democracy was born. Even now, thousands leave their homeland to come to the “land of the free and the home of the brave” so they can begin their American Dream.  The United States is truly a diverse nation made up of dynamic people. Each year on July 4, Americans celebrate that freedom and independence with barbecues, picnics, and family gatherings.  Our country is far from perfect but I feel extremely fortunate to have lived my life in America.  This particular July 4th will always stand as a reminder that God worked in a powerful way over the summer of 2012.  I found freedoms that eluded me my entire life and they weren't embedded in the Constitution or the Bill of Rights.  As powerful as those two documents are, they can't reach deep enough into the human heart to capture the power of these words.   "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."  I've read these words so many times.  I have preached these words to others.  This summer, the truth of these words rested in my life.  To God be the glory!

Happy Birthday, America!

Road Trip-3 Days Away From My Computer

Annie and I took a little road trip and went exploring around Cleveland.  We live right in the middle of Cleveland, Buffalo, Pittsburgh and Toronto.  We've spent a bunch of time investigating all of these cities--except Cleveland.  We stayed in Beechwood and had a great time checking out the local stuff and found a few amazing restaurants.   Top of the list.  Abuelo's Mexican Restaurant. Has the same feel and ambiance of Cheesecake Factory with a south of the border flare.  Food was perfect.  Also, Maggiano's Little Italy was a blast.  Felt like we were on the set of a wiseguys movie.  The room had a honest vintage feel and the food was the real deal.  Crazy, if you order a classic pasta dish, they give you a free pasta meal to take home with you, complements of the chef.  Never heard of that before.  

OK, I sound like I'm writing a food review.  The best part of this trip or any trip for me is always the same thing.  Spending time with Annie.  I love this woman so much and having yet another opportunity to get away was wonderful.  I continue to grow stronger, more hopeful and enjoy an ever deepening gratitude in all that my God has done for me. 

Day Twenty Nine

Just a few weeks ago I flew into the Denver International airport.  I was told I would be able to clearly view the Rockies right from the terminal.  Upon arrival, I shot up to the upper level of the building which is pretty much glass for optimal visuals and...nothing??  I swung around to the other side and the same thing.  Joe Gossack picked me up and I asked where the Rockies went.  He said they were very much present but a pesky fire about 100 miles away was throwing up the smoke that was covering them for the moment.  The folks I stayed with had daily updates and it seemed the fire was growing but they never dreamed, nor did I, that the pesky fire would soon become the largest most destructive fire in Colorado history.  It continues to roar as I write this.  I was told by my hosts that when fire touches a section of the Rockies, at least one generation will never see them in their former glory again.  Because of the altitude, things grow extremely slow. The once tree covered canyons will take decades to even begin to recover. 

My prayers are with the incredible people I grew to love during my brief stay.  It's obvious that living in Colorado is almost a spiritual experience for those who have spent their lives there.  They are fiercely proud of their state and are good caretakers of the pristine environment they call home.  This is a real blow to one of the most beautiful states in the US. 

Day Twenty Eight

Up at dawn.  First one at the waters edge.  I made a few hundred casts with my special but highly ineffective lure.  No fish but the surroundings were majestic.  Best medicine in the world.  I told the author He does incredible work. 

Day Twenty Seven

¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

    he delivers them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

¹⁹ The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;
²⁰ he protects all his bones,
    not one of them will be broken.

²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;
    the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
²² The Lord will rescue his servants;
    no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

    Psalm 34:17-22  David

God knew that while we are living this side of heaven that there would be people, events and issues that would break the hearts of His followers and so He has a plan for the most devastating moment in your life.

The word "broken" in Hebrew is the word shabar and it means "to rend violently, wreck or crush; to maim, cripple, to shatter or break." The ancient Hebrew is a very descriptive language and so this word shabar comes not only with a definition, but also with situations that it was used in the description of. This word was used to describe ships that had been splintered and torn from stem to stern due to ferocious and wild winds. It was also used to describe the action of tearing and ripping that wild, ravenous beasts performed upon their prey. It could literally be translated "the ruptured hearted ones."

The word for "heart" in this particular Scripture is the word leb and it is referring to the soul or heart of a man. It encompasses one's moral character, appetites, emotions, passions and even the mind and the memory.

When David declares that "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted," his words are words spoken with tender care and great compassion. He is reminding all of Christendom that the Lord is lovingly attentive to those who are enduring unimaginable pain. This pain may have been caused by a great catastrophe in your life or by a wild and ferocious person, but the Lord is standing attentively beside you paying diligent attention to your shattered and bleeding heart.

If you have ever suffered from this torturous condition, I can assure you that you were never out of God's care. If, today, you are emotionally torn apart and wonder how you will make it through one more today, I want to comfort you with the surety that He is with you now.

Day Twenty Six

Today was a rough.  I expected some set-backs and they showed up.  Glad they did because I didn't want this time off to be unrealistic.  I received news that serious tragedy hit a family I love and it stirred up a ton of feelings I'm all too familiar with.  This kind of stuff is inescapable and I have to be able to roll with it.  I put to use some of the things I learned in Colorado and it helped.

Day Twenty Five

These words from an ancient book of the bible moved me today.   The prophet says, "You have taken up my cause, O Lord; you have redeemed my life."  There will be times for each one of us throughout this experience of life on earth where we will really need help.  It won't be the typical bump in the road or common disappointment.  Something or someone will so overpower you that you lose your way.  We hope and pray for an advocate that will step in and help us swim back to the surface.  In this passage, the Lord Himself took up the cause and redeemed a life.  I have no desire to exaggerate the circumstances I've been working through or to assign unique importance to my need but I honestly believe the Lord took up my cause and helped me.  I have seen His hand and heart at every turn over these past three weeks.  I am so very grateful.  I had a long talk with my pastor and friend Derek today.  It was so good to hear from him.  He is so instrumental in my being able to get some help and having this time off.  Thanks D for everything.  This was a good day.

Day Twenty Four

Great to worship with some old friends at the McLane Church Union City site.  We're doing the same kind of deal they are meeting in a High School.  Very excited that they recently secured a permanent facility right off the main street.  Worship was really rich this morning and it was very encouraging to spend time there. 

I must have driven by a dozen small country churches on my way to the meeting.  Parking lots each had about a dozen cars which was in stark contrast to the jammed golf courses.  The one Flea Market we passed looked like a mini Woodstock.  God's Spirit is alive and well on planet earth yet the majority of the people are either clueless of that reality or they have purposely dismissed Him from their lives.  I prayed this morning that God would top off my passion to connect people to Jesus Christ.  Knowing people are living their lives void of any understanding of the true Christ is heartbreaking.  I want to use the time I have left to speak loud, clearly and often about the risen Christ.

Day Twenty Three

Joy is an interesting thing.  It's defined this way.  The emotion evoked by well-being.  It's called for over 200 times in the Bible.  Nehemiah taught that the joy of the Lord is our strength and Paul commanded not once but twice that God's people should be joyful.   "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!"  Who has a deeper sense of well being than a friend of Jesus?  He has brought peace to our souls.  The need for joy and how to protect it is something we discussed for hours while I was in Colorado.  I was reminded that joy can be punctured, deflated, even smothered by the harsh surroundings of this world if we're not careful.  I was trained to maintain a healthy vertical focus.  Looking horizontally alone, there is much sadness to be found.  For a season, all I seemed to find looking across the span of others lives was death, heartache, grief and darkness.  It's easy to be depressed by gazing at this fallen world without the balance of looking upward.  In 1922, these words were written yet they still ring out around the world.  "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His Glory and Grace."  The vertical view.  The epicenter of joy.  Refusing to become joyless...no matter what.  Paul commanded rejoicing in one of the darkest periods of his life.  I feel strength pouring back into me.  I am so grateful.

PS:  Annie and I caught up on a few films we have wanted to see.  Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close blew us away.  I have never seen a child actor put out that level of intensity and depth in a performance and certainly not one who has never acted before.  Thomas Horn was discovered because someone on the production team saw him as a contestant on Jeopardy/Kids Week.  Very moving story and this kid carried the film.  

Day Twenty Two

Certainly one of the highlights of the past few weeks was spending time in Parker, Colorado at the base of the Rocky Mountains.  I enjoyed the company of two very special people, Dr. Keith and Lorna McDonald.  The McDonald's have lived near the Rockies for over 40 years.  Lorna is from Alberta Canada so the Rockies have been a part of her life since childhood.  Needless to say, these guys knew a ton of history.  They gave me a special guided tour of the range traveling through the famous Guanilla Pass which starts in the prairie and goes all the way above tree line.  Because of the altitude, nothing grows much more that a few feet on the mountain tops.  It was surreal.  These two were great story tellers showing me Indian strongholds and hundreds of abandoned mines.  The told me the story behind the saying "Pikes Peak Or Bust."   They waited for just the right moment to deliver the punch line.  We vertically climbed for what felt like hours and once we crested the mountain, they said, Imagine taking weeks to climb what we just accomplished only using mules to pull the wagons.  Once at the top you're greeted with the breath taking view of dozens of other mountains and the sinking feeling that you may have bitten off more than you can handle.  Pikes Peak was the first view of the Rockies settlers got crossing the prairies.  They traveled long days to reach the peak thus the "or bust."  Once there, they climbed the mountain only to find the mountains extended as far as the eye could see.  While in Colorado, I was being pressed by God to consider the depth of His love.  I had lost sight that His mercy, grace and love are without end.  When I had my first glimpse from the top of one mountain only to see mountain tops that seemed to go on forever, I was overcome with emotion that God is anything but small and His resources are vast.  It was a very spiritual experience.  I see the words of Amos 4:13 in such a different light:  For behold, he who forms the mountains and creates the wind, and declares to man what is his thought, who makes the morning darkness, and treads on the heights of the earth— the LORD, the God of hosts, is his name!   

Day Twenty One

I opened this blog mainly for myself.  I wanted to look back and see all that God would do over this time off to rest and heal.   I also left a link on fb with the hope that others may benefit from this experience.  Apparently, some have found it helpful as there have been nearly 1300 hits in the last few weeks.  That's pretty cool.

I have never had this much discretionary time away from work in my life.  I have tried to spend each day wisely and  be mindful how I would invest it.  I also didn't want to run a tight schedule and destroy the spontaneity.  Today, I decided to pour into C-Boy, Chuey and Boo.  I literally spent hours playing crazy games with them in their pool.  I let them lead the craziness and found they have rich diverse imaginations as one game spun neatly into the next.  These were games that didn't exist until today.  That's what I'll remember about Thursday June 21st.  An old dude and three little kids loved each other and for a brief window of time, played in a world with no squabbles, selfishness, competition, exclusion, sadness or anger.  I somehow believe that heaven may be far more about innocent play than ruling the universes.  We shall see.  Great day.    

Day Twenty

My definition of grace has been the same for decades.  Grace equals unmerited favor.  There is certainly truth in that statement but there is so much more to this expansive gift from God.  God's heart is literally soaked in grace.  Even as he dispenses such things as judgement and wrath, grace remains intact.  I have had plenty of time to reflect on God's grace and how I both receive it and extend it.  This story impacted me.

During WWII a man died in battle and his two friends desperately wanted to give him a decent burial. They found a cemetery in a nearby bombed out village. It happened to be a Roman Catholic cemetery and the dead man had been a Protestant. When the two friends found the priest in charge of the burial grounds, they requested permission to bury their friend, but the priest refused because the man had not been a Catholic. When the priest saw their disappointment, he explained that they could bury their friend immediately outside the fence. This was done.  Later, they returned to visit the grave, but couldn't find it. Their search led them back to the priest and, of course, they asked him what had happened to the grave. The priest told them that during the night he was unable to sleep. So he got up and moved the fence to include the dead soldier.  And so it is with God. He was not able to sleep until He had made a way for the unlovely and unworthy to be included in His gracious love. In point of fact, He not only moved the fence, He actually destroyed the barrier into His holy presence. But He did so through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and His cross. It is through the crucified Christ, and Him alone, that we freely approach the Father.

God's grace is truly amazing and it saved a wretch like me.  I finished a remarkable book by Jerry Sittser called A Grace Disguised.  Upon conclusion, I feel the same way about my understanding of grace as I do about my grasp on astronomy when I stare into the sky on a clear night.  It's overwhelming.

 

Day Nineteen

5 phone calls.  Each one with a similar message.  Someone important to me was gone and each one passed tragically.  There wasn't even time to process one of these departures let alone five.  I continue to utilize the gift of time to bring these hurts to God.  The scriptures have been like a soothing balm especially having the time to let them roll over my mind and emotions with no interruptions.  I see light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn't say that just a few weeks ago.  I cherish these words.  They are so alive to me.  "Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard."  I continue to pray the same relief for my family members who were hit much harder than I.  Pressing on.

Day Eighteen

Jesus invited us to "follow Him."  It's a daily joy to receive that offer afresh.  To begin a day and wonder where and how He will guide us.  Today was a really good day.  I was able to review all of the input I received last week in Denver.  I have the rest of my life to build what I learned into my soul but it's going to happen one day at a time.  Deciding one more time to follow Him into new behaviors, away from old ones and always interacting with the people He loves.  Yep, today was a good day.  It's ending well too.  I'm listening to Annie laugh herself sick in the other room watching the new Jim Gaffigan special.  She has the best laugh on earth.  Got some reading to do before bed.  I think I have read more in the past two weeks than I have all year.  Blessings!

Days Fifteen - Seventeen

Travel days have made updating impossible.  Left Denver Friday evening and spent 2 days with Annie in Cleveland debriefing my experience.  Arrived back in Erie and enjoyed a wonderful reunion with my family.   I'll update more in the days to come but let me say this.  If you need help with something.  Perhaps some area of your life that you have been really been struggling with.  Get help.  It won't go away on its own.

Day Fourteen

I use the word intense quite a bit.  Probably too often because much of what I assign it toward isn't all that extreme.  This week was intense in every sense of the word.  I have gone places in my soul that I didn't believe possible.  The Word of God is said to penetrate so deeply that it divides "soul and spirit."  I honestly never understood what that means.  I do now.  I came here a hurting skeptic.  I could not imagine much happening in a weeks time but God had plans.  I have gone to bed each night exhausted from the rigorous drills of exposing wrong perceptions toward suffering and learning to replace it with trust.  The homework has been plentiful but perfecting matched to the actual counseling sessions.  This evening was increasingly intense because I was given the gift of releasing my saddness, weakness, confusion and fatigue in a waterfall of praise and confession 12,000 ft up in the center of the Rocky Mountains.  Never will I forget addressing Him in that setting.  These words sung regularly with church will never be experienced the same way again.
 
Deliverer, Come set me free Break every chain holding me,  Deliverer Come have Your way I surrender to Your rule and Your reign  Where the Spirit of the Lord is There is freedom Where the Spirit of the Lord is There is healing.  You say the word Mountains are moved Oceans and stars Stand in awe of You Just say the word And I will be changed. We'll see Your face And we will not be the same.

Day Thirteen

Today was breakthrough day. 

Day Twelve

I think of the catastrophic loss I have seen in Haiti after the earthquakes and the homes in New Orleans after Katrina.  Peoples lives so torn apart that it's impossible to find any sense of what it used to be like before the nightmare.  Yet, people adapt.  After awhile, it seems normal that your missing a roof and living under a tarp until perhaps that day arrives and someone comes to help you rebuild.


It's not that different when your personal life, your inner feelings get blown apart by a series of very unpleasant ugly circumstances.  In time, you tend to adapt to some lesser way of thinking and feeling.  That's me.  Then one day some people showed up to help me rebuild.  They point out just how wrong it is to live without a roof if there are people willing to build you a new yet different one.  David, Keith and Lorna are masterfully showing me a better way.  I will never forget this special time.

Day Ten & Eleven

Someday I will go into detail exactly how God orchestrated my being in the setting I'm currently in.  I am with a small tribe of people hand-picked by God to pour into my life.  I have learned more about myself in the last two days than at any other time.  The nurturing and counseling skill set these people have is off the charts.  To think God Himself, through the love and care of my family and church family, put this together for me is humbling and incredibly appreciated.  I'm also going to see a few things that I always hoped I would.  I am deeply deeply grateful.

Days Eight & Nine

Going to combine a few days here because it may be tough to get on a computer for awhile.  I have often referred to these words of instruction Paul wrote to Timothy.  "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness."   He is showing his young friend, colleague and student that the bible is God's gift to us to educate, guide and keep us on track.  Sadly, many don't realize how much more the scriptures are capable of.  I've been through a good deal of heartache this year.  To protect myself, I closed down so many emotional portals so I could at least function day to day.  If I faced the sadness, I feared I would crack.  I am one of the ones who failed to realize God could and would heal me by using the scriptures, His Spirit and the love of the church.  I found myself going to the Bible to mine material to teach, train, correct and rebuke others just as Paul wrote but pulled back from allowing them to pierce me.  This past week, I dropped all my defenses.  The power of love soaked within each verse washed over me.  I am so thankful for what is happening during these days of rest.  Last night, the prophetic words of Isaiah reminded me exactly why Jesus extended friendship to me and to you:  He came, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning

and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Those words, offering a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair, rocked me.  God is providing me a fresh clean robe of praise.  I can and will toss off the weighty garment of despair.  Such a hopeful day.  

PS:  Note to self, don't forget all that Boo and C taught you at the fishing pond today.  What a gift they are to me. 

Day Seven

If someone asked what my hobbies/passions are I would quickly snap off this list.  Anything to do with the water, the woods, hunting, fishing, writing, biking and all things music.  My faith and family trumps everything on that list but I deeply enjoy each and every item.  Then why have I let them slip away?  This past year erased so many things I cherish.  I found my fishing vest last night and the license pinned to the chest was from 2008!  Seriously, four years since I've indulged in something I labeled a passion?  I'm taking my life back.

This morning I watched day break in the lagoons.  Presque Isle, one of Pennsylvania's premiere state parks is a bike ride from my home.  It's a 3200-acre sandy peninsula that arches out into Lake Erie.  In the center is a wild waterway called the lagoons.  It felt so good to be there again, my 2012 license flapping in the morning breeze.  God knew each one of us would need to connect our hearts to things like nature, the arts, music, space, creativity...whatever.  He always desired for us to embrace the garden, to marvel at what He made and to enjoy it with Him.  That's part of what makes rest work.  Rest isn't moving from one to-do list to another list that's a little more personal.  This morning, every fiber of my being was at rest.  In that setting filled with wildlife everywhere, the tugging of a fish on the line, greeting the kayak captains as they drifted by and my favorite music streaming on Pandora, I was at rest.

I'm taking my life back.

Day Six

Very easy going day by design.   Loving these long slow days with Annie.  Today, we had a special guest.  Ian Adams stopped over.  He's a really sweet kid. Always a smile on his face.  All my grand-kids have nicknames and those names came easy to me.  Struggled a little with Ian but we finally landed on Ian "Patch" Adams.   It was very soothing to have this time with him.  Children have a way of breaking things down to the simplest levels.  Goofy noises, rubbing noses, tossing him in the air and singing little songs brought him a lot of joy.  It did for me too.  I preached a good deal the month prior to this sabbatical.  One of the verses I spoke on was Zephaniah 3:17, "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."  I have thought about that last statement ever night since I taught it--He will rejoice over you with singing.  There is no song I would rather hear than His.  Watching Ian respond to my song makes me long to hear His!  Another good and helpful day.

Day Five

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.   ~Matthew 11:28-29

I spent the entire day resting.  One of the things that unraveled me over this past year was lack of sleep.  I was determined to push through busy days/months weary or not.  It didn't work.  A statement like this one in Matthew 11 reminded me today just how understanding God is.  I rested today because He invited me to.  For the longest time I saw the yoke Jesus offered as a call to service.  A walking and serving in tandem.  It's far more than that.  It's a transfer of the weight I can't carry alone from my soul to His Spirit.  It's a place of learning and understanding.  God is supremely powerful yet gentle and humble in heart.  His promise is solid.  Today I found rest for my soul.

Day Four

It will be helpful to look back over these entries in the months and years ahead.  The primary expectations I have for this sabbatical are entwined.  To overcome my inability to process the heaviness and grief that has landed in my heart and robbed me of passion and focus.  I lost a number of wonderful people over the past year plus.  Also, to strengthen my heart and spirit to finish this last chapter of my life well.  One of the dynamics of a sabbatical is to completely sever yourself from ones work/ministry related activities and relationships.  The past four days have already proven how much I love what I do and who I do it with.  I serve with some pretty spectacular people in a challenging and exciting environment.  With all of that stripped away, I'm getting a pretty good look at how much my personal life has eroded.  Business has a way of providing excuses for our not pouring attention into the very things that make us...us.  My roles in life, in and of themselves, do not define me.  It's me--the individual fully loved by and fully open to God that must flourish.  I taught this sentence hundreds of times and somehow lost my grip on it.  God is far more interested in who you are than what you do.  My life infused with power from replenishing my soul, renewing my mind and obeying my God will make what I do matter.  This was a good day.

Day Three

I reviewed a journal I began the first week of January 2011.  I wrote these words, "I believe 2011 will be one of the most challenging years of my life."  I had no idea how true those words would prove to be.  Never dreamed my most significant challenges to date would come in the later chapters of my life... but they have.  They have changed me.  In many ways for the better but in some, there has been damage.  Thankful for this time to realize afresh that Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God You are higher than any other, Our God is Healer, awesome in power.

Once again, He blessed the early hours of this morning with great encouragement and very personal interaction.  I forget how overwhelming a worship experience can be when you have no obligations in the running of it.  Not sure if this is just me or if all people who serve on Sunday mornings miss at least some the heart and essence of what God's Spirit it doing.  Often, my thoughts are entangled in what next thing I have to do in the service so, engaging in the moment gets kind of crushed.  LOVED my time with the people of Elevate Church.  It was so refreshing to worship my heart out with them.  Pastor Colby punched home a few ways we can override the complaining we so easily fall into.  Gratitude trumps so many evil and useless thoughts and keeps joy alive.  Here was my take away:  Gratitude begins where my sense of entitlement ends.

Three days and God has already been so generous with me.  There is much still to experience, receive, review and release in my soul but...healing is beginning to take place.

Day Two

Promised myself I wouldn't waste one precious moment of this gift of time to spend as I wish.  Sure wasn't expecting my portion for this day to come so early.  I took a long morning drive around this city that I have spent my entire life in.  It's beautiful to watch a community come alive as dawn breaks.

I enjoyed a unique form of prayer, worship and thanksgiving as each street revealed a memory, an experience, an encounter from the past.  Looking over the bay with the sun rising over Presque Isle, I thought of my dad and our countless hours in the boat, rounding the park, I thought of the day I saw Annie there. I had just met her. 16 years old, beautiful and full of life.  I thought of all the trouble I got in growing up on the lower east side and grateful I escaped a life far from God.  Sat in front of the Boston Store, Erie's heritage downtown meeting place for teenagers in the 60's and 70's.  Thought of the times I preached in front of it when I found Christ hoping to introduce others to His magnificence.  Funny, I always dreamed of the day I would leave here but that day never came.  Now, I can't imagine being anywhere else. 

Driving toward home, Brent Bourgeois's song Total Surrender absolutely broke me.  I haven't wept like that in a very long time.  It was good.  It was cleansing.  It was so needed.  I felt like I had "kissed the Son" as Psalm two encourages.  God so knew I needed this time and the fact He jumped right in with me this morning in such a meaningful way broke my heart the way it's supposed to be broken.

Day One

Facing the first of many days with no pressing obligations, I couldn't block out the uneasiness churning inside. The inertia of a very busy life won't be tamed instantly.  Felt I should start a list of things to accomplish to validate my getting to live another day.  Once I began reading the Psalms and felt the soothing calm that words of life bring to a ramped-up soul, the knots began to loosen.  A lover of scripture is like "a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.  Whatever he does prospers."  Such beautiful imagery, such beautiful truth.

Ready for an adventure, I went and picked up C-Boy.  We have "guys days", just the two of us doing guys stuff.  Over lunch, I asked him several serious questions to see what he would come up with.  That was just after he announced to the entire restaurant in his best deep super hero voice that he had to "poop" and took off toward the restrooms.  He got a few good laughs out of that one.

Once settled, we went through a discussion something like this:

1. C, do people love you?  Yes!  How do you know?  Because we're having guys day and you know I love guys day.  He then moved over to my side of the booth.   
2. Are you afraid of anything?  Yes.  Like what?  Spiders!  Are you afraid right now?  No.  Why?  Because you're here.
3. Are you going to pay for lunch?  Noooo.  Why not?  That's your job!
4. Are you ever sad?  Yes.  When?  When Allie's not here.
5. What are these people singing about????  As we both stop to listen to the music in the Mexican restaurant, I said "can't you tell?"  I don't understand Chinese!  Oh boy.

What a thrill it is to watch a kid being a kid.  Jesus was very serious when used a child as an example for His disciples to follow.  He said they would never understand His kingdom without trusting like a kid.  What a PERFECT thing to experience today.  Kids are at peace when they have caring adults paying attention, joining them at play and providing strength to wipe away tears and fears.  Thanks C.  Great reminder that in Gods eyes...I will always be a child.